Hurt

The tears are close to the surface today. It's strange - just when I think I'm getting a handle on my emotions, some little thing reminds me of what is to come and I lose all control. Some days I can talk about it and do just fine. Other days I should just stay home alone. Clerks in the baby department at Macy's don't know what to do with a customer who has tears running down her face as she holds sweet little baby boy clothes. Students at school don't comprehend when their test proctor is all red-eyed and sniffing. Mom's look a little worried at the mall when some strange woman can't take her eyes off their little cherubic baby boy riding in the stroller.

People tell me that I need to let go. They tell me this is God's will. They remind me I raised my girls to be obedient to God's voice.

I know.

Sigh.

I know.


But I also know this.

God knows my heart. He sees each tear that falls. He feels how much it hurts. He understands how big this sacrifice is.

And knowing this brings me untold comfort.