This Lent Thing

Ah, this lent thing.

It's hard.

Really hard.

I keep slipping. I forget. I get frustrated. I have even had someone close to me laugh at me for doing it. "What? We don't practice lent. What in the world? Why are you doing that? I guess next you are going to have a black X on your forehead." When I tried to explain - "cricket's chirping". While I know the words were not meant to wound, I allowed them to slice clean and deep. It hurt.

This person was right. Our church background had not observed lent in the past. We are not a liturgical church. But lately, in my quest for renewal, I have had such a strong desire to draw closer to God and what I understood of Lent seemed like a good way to do that. I wanted to deny myself of something to remind me of what He gave for me. I wanted to enter into a sacred commitment that would cause me to depend on Him more. I wanted to do something that required more than what I normally give. I wasn't really sure what to expect.

But I know I didn't expect I would fail so soon.

I failed on the second day. What I had given up, what I had determined to sacrifice for 40 days, what I had promised to deny myself of in order to draw closer to God, well, I forgot. I forgot. On the second day I forgot all about it.

As I have been reading through my Bible in a year plan, I have spent the last several weeks in Leviticus and Numbers. Boring. Slow, Redundant. Legalism to the nth degree. So many laws to keep. So many rules. So much blood. So much sacrifice. So many harsh consequences for sin - intentional sin and unintentional sin. The Israelite people weren't allowed to forget the law. Many times as I have read the daily scripture allotment (without skipping any words), I have thought to myself: I am so glad I didn't live back then. I am so glad I don't have to try to keep all those rules. I couldn't do it. Are you kidding? I now know that by day two in the wilderness I would most likely have already been struck dead.

And that was when I realized that is precisely the point. I can't do it. I can't keep the law perfectly. Nobody can. We need a Savior. We need grace. We need the sacrificial Lamb that takes away all the sin in the world. We need an advocate, One who willingly paid the price of all the sin, all the wrong, all the forgetting. He did it for me. I am off the hook. I am saved by grace and grace alone! I am not going to be judged because I forgot a law. I don't have to keep a tally of all the rules. My relationship with Jesus is all I need. What a sweet relief! What a debt of gratitude I owe.

Practicing Lent is teaching me how inadequate I am and how adequate He is. It is teaching me how much Jesus loves me.

Oh this Lent thing. It is hard.

But it is good.

Prayer

This morning I woke up in a fetal position, words flowing through my mind. Somewhere in the place between sleep and awake I knew I was praying. As words and phrases began to make sense I became conscious that I was deep in prayer for someone I love. I opened my eyes and I felt so awed that God is so approachable even in sleep. I had gone to bed with someone heavy on my heart and my heart was taking its' burden to the only Place it knew to go. I wondered how long I had prayed.

Sunday morning in the worship service I was so blessed during our corporate prayer time as children of all ages spontaneously went forward to pray at our church altars. Children. I love being a part of a church that allows children to sense God's presence in the service. No one prompted them. No one encouraged them. They simply wanted or needed to talk to God. So they did. Many of them. One young boy laid his hand on his friends shoulder. Tears fell. My own. And I felt His presence. I read this morning in my daily Bible reading that Jesus wants the children to come to Him. He wants them. They want Him.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

To love a God who loves us so intensely takes my breath away sometimes.

My Garden

I seated my patient as comfortably as possible in the hard, leather chair. She was elderly and long past nervousness in a dental office. I adjusted her head rest, gave her a pillow to snuggle into her middle and sat down to make small talk with her as we waited for the dentist to come in and begin the scheduled extraction.

We chatted and our conversation soon settled on her hobby of gardening. She told me of the many specimens of flowers she grew. "I love gardening", I told her, "I'm just not very good at it. I can't get flowers to grow."

She gazed at me for a minute and then in a non-accusing, matter of fact manner, she simply said,

"Well then, you don't really love gardening."

And our conversation was interrupted by the arrival of the doctor and we carried on with her scheduled dental work.

But her words stayed with me All these many years later her words have stayed with me. And I have to admit she was right. I love the idea of gardening. I love the results of gardening. I love the look of a beautiful garden. But the truth is

I don't love it enough to spend the hours of work and dedication it requires to have a stunningly beautiful garden.

That simple admonition has served me well over the years. Every time I consider a new hobby or adding a new routine to my life I ask myself how much I really think I am going to love it. Am I really ready to invest the time, the money, the dedication it will require. Most often the answer is no, not really.

Recently it has occurred to me that this same piece of advice pertains to my spiritual life as well. How much do I really want to be close to God? How much do I really long for His presence in my life? How serious am I about wanting to know Him more?

For many years my life verse has been Jeremiah 29:11. You probably can recite it by heart - everyone loves it. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future". It's a great promise and many times in my life I have depended on it like a life preserver on a crazy, wild ocean. There is a verse that follows it that we don't quote quite so often:

"When you seek me you will find me, when you seek me with all of your heart."

Last year I joined many others in choosing a word to live by for the year. I lamented that my word for the year failed miserably. For some reason I guess I thought I would just pick a word and the mantle of it would fall on me. Like gardening, I expected beautiful results with not much effort on my part.

This year I entered into the new year tired, discouraged and worn out. I felt a measure of general unhappiness and dissatisfaction that overshadowed my days. I kept thinking I needed a change in my life - a change in location, a change in job, a change in friends - just a change in something, anything. The word renew was constantly on my mind and in my heart. I wanted renewal in my life. I longed for it. I began to realize it wasn't really change I desired so desperately, it was renewal. And suddenly I knew in my spirit that I needed to concentrate on renewal this year. So I claimed the word as mine for 2011.

But this time I did it differently. I didn't just sit waiting for God to pour some renewal over my head because I had been so kind enough to ask for it. I chose instead, to be an active participant in this journey. I chose to seek him with all of my heart, the best way I knew how. I chose some new behaviors in my life.

First of all, I chose to spend more time in His Word. Instead of just sporadic Bible reading I chose a regimented Bible In A Year program. I downloaded a translation that was new to me - The New Living Translation - on to my Kindle. I don't know if it's the Kindle, the fresh new translation or both - but this is working for me. I haven't missed a day and I look forward to each days reading.

Next, I joined Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture challenge. I have joined over 9000 other women in memorizing a new scripture every two weeks. My first scripture was easy to choose - I want to memorize scripture that helps me with the way I think and process things. I chose Phillipians 4:4-9. I focus on the verse that tells me to think about whatever things are true. My mind has a way of worrying about every single angle of an issue and then when that gets old, I venture into the land of "what if's". Things that aren't necessarily true. This scripture reminds me to stay centered on what is true. What is noble. What is right. What is right. What is pure. What is lovely. I love it! Memorization is not easy or fun for me. But like any other discipline it is good for me. My verse this time is perfect: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." Oh yes I am!

I am participating in Bloom Book Club's book club and we are reading Ann Voskamp's book - One Thousand Gifts - A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. This is a most remarkable book and I can tell you that I have been reading chapter one all week. I mean I have read chapter one every day this week. It is so beautifully written and so full of profound thoughts - I just keep re-reading it so that I don't miss out on anything. I'm not sure when I will make it to chapter two. I don't really care. I don't want to miss a word of the message God is sharing with me.

I know that God is speaking to me because everything I am reading, everything I am memorizing, everything I am hearing has the same message to me. Every single thing. And in this process, in this manner that I am seeking Him with my whole heart - guess what? He is keeping His promise and I am beginning to feel the lapping of Renewal on the edges of my heart. I am sensing His presence as I seek Him. I am tasting the salt of change in the air of the fresh breezes that have started rustling by me. I find myself holding my breath as I anticipate what this year is going to hold for God and me.

This spiritual gardening project I have taken on is going to harvest much different results than the garden in my back yard. I know this because I have made the conscious choice to LOVE it with everything in me. I desire His presence in my life so much that I am willing to do whatever it is I need to do to love Him with my whole heart. I'm not so naive as to believe I won't have to be dealing with some nasty insects and weeds along the way. But I am prepared. I am ready.

And I hope you check in along the way to see some beautiful bouquets.

Hard Places

Today is our 31st wedding anniversary. We are going to do something tonight we have never, ever done on our anniversary before. My husband is officiating a funeral.

For a man who was murdered.

His 14 year old son has been charged and sits in an adult jail cell today.

We did not know the man. But we do know the son because he has been a part of our church family for several years. Z, as I shall call him, was in my children's quizzing group for two years and he was our top children's quizzer. I found him to be extremely bright with a sweet and quiet way about him. Oh, that doesn't mean he didn't like to pester the other kids - he liked to do that quite a bit. But he was always polite, always kind, and as obedient as any other boy.

We don't know what happened or if Z is really responsible. As expected, rumors abound and the media is having the time of their lives with the whole story. We are praying that the truth will prevail and that no matter what that truth is, that Z's spirit and heart will be protected. At the moment he is going to be tried as an adult but that may change as new details are coming out regarding possible abuse of this boy and his younger siblings at the hand of their father.

All I know is that when I look into this young boy's eyes on my television every evening, I see a scared and frightened little boy that is carrying a burden far greater than I could ever know or imagine. My husband and our youth pastor have visited him in jail several times in the last few days and they are struck by his physical fraility.

My life has seemed so full of hard places in the last few weeks. I took a blogging break because circumstances completely wiped words from my heart and mind. I knew that I needed to take time to focus on Someone else's words - not mine. I have spent more time than usual in the Word and soaked in the wisdom and love of my Jesus. The hard places are still there - but I have been comforted, loved, and fed as I spend time with Jesus. He is not annoyed nor does He tire of my tears. In fact, He cries with me.

The Creator of the universe cries with me. That thought nearly takes my breath away.

There are good things that come out of being in a hard place. God is faithful to do what He calls making beauty from ashes. One of those beauties is that you are given the opportunity to draw closer to Him. Other things that used to seem so important and necessary fall behind and priorities are re-organized. I find that I just want to be with Him.

Another beauty is that when you are in the hard place with other people you tend to bond tightly together with them. A sweetness develops as you pray together, spend time together, and take care of each other.


I was singing Jesus Loves Me to my little granddaughter last evening. The words to that simple song are so meaningful and deep to me right now. I hope Z remembers those words too. Jesus loves you Z - the Bible tells you so. Little ones to Him belong, we are weak but He is strong.

So, although this is not the way I would have chosen to spend my 31st wedding anniversary, thirty one years married to a man in ministry has taught me that we will always deal with the unexpected. It's okay. We aren't in much of a celebratory mood anyway. God is taking care of us.

And ministry or not, we will often have to experience hard places. As I walk through the journey of the days that are given to me, some will be full of happiness and others will be full of tears. Neither one lasts.

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life. You are the greatest thing God has ever given me. I find it a deep privilege to walk our days together - rain or shine - I am with you all the way.

Easter Thoughts

It is Monday morning after Easter. I am back at work, well I'm at my desk anyway. Today is a student holiday and it is slowww.....

I had been dreading this Easter holiday really. It was the first major holiday with Brad, Michelle and Tyler gone and I knew it was going to be hard. However, God used my sadness and feelings of loss to gain a better understanding of what Easter is. Good Friday was as usual dreary and sad and heavy. I never have like Good Friday. Remembering what Jesus experienced on that day, how He was treated, how He died - sometimes it is all just too much. On Friday I was surfing around on the net and I stumbled across some really ugly, blasphemous and perverted ways that non-Christian's spend Easter. I wished I hadn't of seen any of it. I thought about how humanity is still mistreating my Jesus. It was so ugly and heavy I went to my room and shut the door and just spent time praying and asking God to forgive us because we don't know what we are doing. Between that and missing my kids I have to say it was about the heaviest Good Friday I have ever experienced.

And then came Sunday! What a bright and beautiful and glorious day it was! We had a beautiful church service with incredible music and the message of the Resurrection was preached loud and long! People were excited to be there. He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! What hope - what promise - what joy! It turned out to be a wonderful day.

I feel like I really "got it" this Easter.

And of course it was extra special to have our sweet Miss Ava Claire to enjoy for the day. She came over before Sunday School dressed in her special bunny jammies - complete with a cotton tail.

Then her mommy dressed her in her very first Easter dress - she was so beautiful and sweet.  And she loved her new dress - she kept laughing as she played with it - I think it was so ruffle-y and it made lots of fun crinkle-y sounds.



After church I plopped her in the garden by the daffodils and got some more pictures of her. I love 6 months old!




After church we dressed her in a special "after church Easter ensemble" that I made for her.

I have to say that this little outfit gave me fits. I am a pretty good seamstress - I have sewn since I was 12 years old. I have made all the bridesmaids dresses and flower girl dresses for both of my daughter's weddings. Somehow this little outfit about did me in! There was something seriously wrong with the pattern instructions. I finally gave up and did it my way.

This Easter was a strong reminder to me that life is sometimes hard. Sometimes it's almost too hard. But God is so very good. He is Risen. He is Risen indeed.

De-Cluttering

For the past several weeks I have been on a mission to de-clutter my house. I knew this would be a huge project and since I don't have the luxury of having a week of time to set aside to complete my goals, I decided to take it in baby steps. I started in my closet. I moved on to my bathroom. When I finished I found it simply delightful to go into my bathroom. It was clean and simple in there. I had gotten rid of so much and put everything in its place. It made me feel good. My bedroom caused me to take even tinier steps. I chose under the bed for the first phase. Then I did my nightstand. I worked my way to the armoire. And then my bookcase. I finally finished my bedroom. I am moving on to the laundry room.

I have been simply amazed at the amount of stuff I have collected. Stuff that serves no purpose. Stuff that doesn't do anything at all to help me. Stuff that, in fact, burdens me and causes me work because it needs to be cleaned and dusted and taken care of. So I'm getting rid of it.

This weekend at church we had what is called a Lay-Witness event. It was our third time of doing this in the past 6 years. When people hear about it they always ask me, "What is lay-witness"? I've never had a good answer because it's really hard to explain. I now realize the best answer is "It's a time to de-clutter your heart."

Basically the premise of lay-witness is so simple. There is no production. There is no practice involved. There is no money involved because it doesn't cost anything at all. All it requires is your willingness to attend. It is simply a time of examining your heart and allowing God to de-clutter your life. And amazing things happen when we allow God to work in our hearts. There were people who found tremendous healing in relationships. Forgiveness was extended and accepted. Marraiges were renewed. New and deeper spiritual commitments were made. The importance of a daily quiet time with God was emphasized and many, many people resoved to do a better job at meeting with God every single day.

God worked in my heart once I finally allowed Him to. I was amazed at the stuff He found in there. Stuff that hasn't helped me at all. Stuff that has burdened me and caused me much stress. I am choosing to get rid of it. And it already feels so much better.

So. Much. Better.

Deadheading

One of my favorite things to do in the summer is get up early in the morning, in the cool of the day, grab a cup of coffee, with cream of course :), and walk through my garden admiring my flowers. I am by no means an expert gardener - I just love to garden. I love to dig in the dirt, I love to plant flowers, I even love to weed. Weeding is always a great time to spend with God because at least at my house, when I am weeding I am completely alone. My kids look out the window and if they see me weeding they don't get within 100 yards of me because they know I'll say something like,

"Hey you! Come over here and help me weed!"

What they haven't figured out is that it suits me fine. Because sometimes a woman just needs some alone time to think about things, and figure things out, and talk seriously with the Master Gardener about different kinds of weeds that keep sprouting up in life.

One of the things I have learned is important to do in caring for flowering plants is to deadhead them. That is when you pull or snap off the old spent blooms in order for the plant to stop sending nutrition to the dead part of the plant but instead to focus on sending it all to the living part of the plant. By doing this little mundane task, the plants will bloom more frequently and more fully. So this morning as I was weaving in and out of my flowers and snapping off their dead little heads it occurred to me that there is a parallel lesson going on here.

As there so often is in gardening.

Jesus used many gardening examples to explain spiritual truths to us. I don't remember Him using the exact term deadhead - but He sure could have. For instance how many times have I tried to get through a day by using the strength of the time I spent with Him the day before. That strength has already been spent. It is no longer living. I need a fresh word every day in order to bloom.

Or how many times have I resisted doing anything new or different spiritually because I am just a creature of habit. Maybe trying something different would "shake me up a little' and help me see things in a whole new way. It could be exciting.

Or how often do I hold onto the hurts and hangups from the past. And by hanging on to those deadheads, how often have I hampered myself from growing and being what God planned for me to be. Perhaps snapping those dead little hurtful things would be the healthiest thing I could do for myself. It would mean I would have to give up my wounded feelings and prideful stubbornness. But they don't look so good in my garden anyway. In fact they just seem to spread more disease making the whole situation more dangerous than it was before.

So the question begs to be asked. What things could you "snap off" that would take you from looking like a lonely, sick little lone petunia into a beautiful plant that is growing tall and flowing over the sides of its container in happy bursts of color that make everyone pause? And notice. Maybe it's time to grab a mug of coffee and wander through your garden a bit looking for those tired and used up blooms. Don't hesitate - just snap those old things off and get ready for a new day.

She Speaks

I'll bet ya'll were thinkin' I was fixin' to tell ya'all about my last plane ride home.

And yes, I'm speak'in southern. Because I have spent the last 4 days living in North Carolina, among the most beautiful, talented, and fun southern women ever. It was fabulous. And even though I am most definitely a north-westerner with a Scandanavian upbringing, I can now talk southern. It just happens. I can't explain it.

I love southern women. I wish they would adopt me. They are so funny and I love their beautiful accents and don't even get me started on their beautiful skin. And they possess a hospitality not seen in other places. Oh they are special indeed.

And the bloggers. Oh, the bloggers. I can't even tell you how AMAZING it was to meet so many wonderful women that I felt I already knew. What a strange and fun thing to have people come up to you and say, "I read you!" or "How is your new little grandson?" These women were just as real and fun as they are in the blogworld. Our friendships were cemented a little deeper. I met BooMama, Big Mama, Shannon from Rocks, Linda from One More Cup, Antique Mommy, Sonya, Kathy from Blessed Builder (my roomie), Lisa, Robin the Pensieve One, and the list goes on and on. I made some new blogging friends too. It was a gift I tell you. Simply a gift.

As far as the conference goes, usually you will hear words like "It was fabulous, it was awesome, it was wonderful...." And it was all those things. But it was more than that for me. There were some times of struggle. And doubt. And weakness. There were times I felt very insecure and stretched. Very stretched. But through all of that God spoke to me. He gave me a promise - and although I don't yet understand what is all contained in that promise, I know it is all about Him doing something through me. He confirmed deep in my heart that I am pursuing the right goals and dreams. He assured me that my dream in not really my dream at all, but one that he planted inside of my being as I was being formed in my mother's womb. Wow. I'm just so amazed by that. I learned a lot, I made some good contacts, and I received some direction on what I need to do next.

Today I took the day off of work so I could process all of it. It keeps swirling around in my heart and my head and I need to write it all down in some sort of order so I can keep it all straight.

I am very glad I went.

And as far as the last plane ride, well, it was the easiest one of all. The plane was bigger and newer - it didn't look so flimsy to me. And I had a row all to myself. And the ride was smooth. And most of all I had a long and deep conversation with God about all of it. I kind of freaked out when I realized my medication that I take with me for "just in case" was not with me at all. And God clearly told me that I was to trust in Him alone. Just Him. Not in the medication in my purse. Not in anything else. I asked Him if that meant He was going to give me a very bumpy ride just to test me out. He didn't answer that. He just asked for my complete and absolute trust. I gave it to Him. And you know what? I actually fell asleep on the plane. I still don't like to fly - I don't suppose I ever will. But from now on when I have to get on a plane - I will strive harder to trust Him and believe that He is all I need.

Because He Spoke very directly to me these last few days and He is all I need.

Just A Couple of Things

First, I probably won't be blogging much in the next couple of weeks. I am using all my spare time to get ready for the SheSpeaks conference. It is suddenly coming TOO soon - and I am beginning to panic. If you think of it, please pray for me. About the flying, about going alone, about what is going to happen there. And most of all that I would have a peace about my book proposal. The whole thing is exciting but in the last couple of days I have felt real doubts and fears about what I am doing. Who am I to think I could even attempt to write a book? I don't want to have these negative thoughts/feelings. And there is only One that I know of who can give me that peace that passes all understanding. So if you have a moment, please ask Him to share just a tiny portion of that peace with me over the next ten days or so. I'm thinking I could really use some of it right about now!

Also, I would encourage you if you haven't been already, to read Bev's posts this week over at Scratchin' the Surface. She is working her way each day through what she believes and why. She is a gifted writer and her posts have been nothing short of brilliant. She is encouraging lots of comments - whether you are in agreement with her or not. She just asks that we keep it all respectful. I think it is an awesome idea. We should all write out what we believe and why we believe it. I intend to do it myself, after the conference. I'm not sure I will be posting it - I just think it's a good idea to write it all out so we are solid in what we believe. I just think she is so brave and smart to be doing such a thing. You will really be missing out if you don't go read it. Now. Today.

So until later, have blessed days. God is good. All the time.

Summer Book Club

Last night marked the very first meeting of our summer book club at church. We have been doing this for three or four summers now - and I always look forward to it. This month we are reading Back Home Again by Melody Carlson.

I have discovered that it doesn't really matter what book you are reading. What is important is the fellowship and camaraderie that takes place among the women who attend.

It is rich my friends. So very rich.

There is something so special about women of various ages and of various walks in life with multiple opinions and dreams with one very strong commmon love of Christ, joining together to share their thoughts about what they are reading. Some women are career oriented - some are not. Some women have children - some do not. Some women love the outdoors. Some prefer to be indoors. Some women are athletic. Some are not.

We get off topic. A lot. Sometimes controversial topics arise. We spend time talking about our personal lives. We bond tighter together and become cheerleaders for each other. We pray for each other. We learn to respect differences and try harder to understand them.

As I looked around the room I saw women who would have never gathered together for any other reason than their love of reading. And that love has brought richness into our lives, for this season, as we share an hour and a half together each week learning to know each other more. And learning to see each other as Christ sees us.

I think we are on the right track.

The Heart of the Matter

Our ladies Bible study has been using the book Conversation Peace by Mary Kassian. What a powerful study this had turned out to be. It's all about transforming your speech. When I began this class, I assumed we would study the 4th chapter of James like all Bible studies about the tongue do. But my goodness - I had absolutely no idea that there was so much in scripture that talks to us about our speech. No idea at all.

Last night we discussed in depth how our difficulties with our conversations, words, and speech don't have anything at all to do with the words themselves that we choose. It's all about our heart gals - it's all about our heart. What is in our hearts comes out in our speech - whether we plan for it to our not - because it is just a natural overflow of who we are. We all thought about our hearts and divided them up into sections called hard, rocky, thorny, and good. We gave percentages to each of those areas. This became very eye opening to me and I'm sure to many others in the class. We suddenly could see the areas that need the most cultivating.

We read scripture in Mark chapter 7 when Jesus was sharing with talking with chastising the religious/political leaders of the day for focusing on their outward actions instead of the condition of their hearts. He asked them - are you dull? I love it - Jesus asked them that! Can you imagine how it felt to be asked that by Jesus? So often we think of Jesus as only a meek and gentle person - as though He didn't have the fire of God in His belly! And He told them that they needed to quit focusing on their outward behaviour because it wasn't changing them. They could only be changed from the inside out - not the other way around. When we are changed on the inside - our outward behavior can't help but change - it's just the way it is.

So if we ask Jesus to help us clean up our hearts, fill it up with good soil that will produce good things, not only will our hearts be transformed, but our speech will too. And then Jesus won't have to be asking us if we are dull. Because I really don't want Him to have to be asking me that - do you?

Reaching for a Dream

In the heart of every boy and girl, God plants dreams. Dreams of what they can be, dreams of what they can do. Dreams that can come true when we follow His plan for our life. Dreams that can break when we don't. Dreams we recognize and set goals for right away and other dreams that we keep hidden deep inside because, well, because they are too scary to think about. They are just too big.

Sometimes dreams come true with very little effort. Other times we have to fight and work and sweat to make our dreams happen. I don't always understand why this is the way of it. But I do understand that God understands it. His ways are not my ways. His ways are sovereign. I think that sometimes God just loves us so much He delights in our delight. Much like a mama buying her child an ice cream cone "just because", He hands us some of our dreams "just because". And we eagerly take them. We have no problem accepting them. During the times that we have to fight for our dreams to come true, we can become frustrated with God, feeling like He is not on our side, or even worse, that He is against us and our dream. We don't perceive the struggle as part of the fulfillment of the dream. That is just the way of us humans I guess. We like instant gratification. We think all of life should be able to be wrapped up in a thirty minute sitcom experience, complete with a happily ever after ending.

I am at a change-point in my life. I have had wonderful dreams fulfilled in my life. I married a wonderful man and we have served together in ministry for many years. I have raised 4 beautiful, wildly successful daughters who give me pleasure every single day. I have spent every day of the last 28 years of my life helping them make their dreams come true. They are all off to a good start and I couldn't be more proud of them. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Every moment. Although there were many years when it seemed too far away to ever imagine, our last little chick is getting ready to leave us and the proverbial nest is going to find itself empty. And that leaves me with something I am not familiar with. Something I haven't had in a long, long time.

I have options.

Options people! I hardly know how to behave.

Here's the deal. I have almost always had to work outside the home. And I am currently working at a university that provides an excellent tuition remission program for my daughters. The third daughter is graduating from here in May - she will have a degree in elementary education. My fourth daughter will begin her first semester this fall. That means that in four years I will be able to leave this employment, that I have never really enjoyed been grateful for, and make some new choices. The wonderful thing is that these choices can be made on the basis of what I want, of what is best for me, to make my dreams come true. I am always going to have to help bring in an income in our home. And that doesn't bother me. This is where all the stuff about dreams come in.

Ever since I was in the 4th grade, I have had a dream to be an author. I want to write Christian fiction.

There. I said it. Whew!

I believe with all my heart that the time has come to begin to pursue this God-given dream. He is telling me so. His voice, that has always been a quiet whisper deep inside the private places of my heart regarding the matter of writing, has begun to reverberate to a building crescendo, telling me the time has come to begin chasing this incredible idea. So I am taking steps. Just small steps right now. But steps that are none the less leading me in the direction of fulfilling what I believe is a calling. Writing this post is a step. You have no idea how big it is to me to "voice" my dream. It somehow makes it all more real, more definite. It's more of a commitment to continue.

It also makes it more visible if I fail.

I know that pursuing this dream is going to be a journey unlike any other I have been on. There will be much work and sweat and tears to make this one come true. But I'm up for it.

At least today I am.

I'm Going!

God is so good! I am going to the She Speaks conference the end of June in North Carolina.

Several years ago I attended a Women's Ministry Leadership Conference at Focus on the Family. It changed my life - truly and forever. I always wanted to go back again and had even signed up my entire women's council to go to the next one, when Focus had to make some budget cuts and cancelled the conference. I was so disappointed. Recently, I heard about the She Speaks conference hosted by the Proverbs 31 Ministries. Imagine my total surprise when I discovered the women in charge of this ministry were the same ones that used to be at Focus! I began to pray about it. And through several confirmations to my heart and spirit (miracles really), I have signed up and bought my plane ticket today! Now, most of you know how I am about flying. But I am praying about it already. I'm going to do it. I am going alone. That's a scary thing to do. But I am trusting God that He is going to go with me - He will be there - and He will speak to me. I am going to be so blessed. There are some things about this conference that have to do with fulfilling a dream God planted in my heart. A dream I have had for many, many years. I am sensing the time has come to do something about it. God wants me to begin exploring this dream - to make it a reality in my life. And it will be life-changing. I don't even dare put my dream into words. Yet. But I am ready to start moving on it. I am ready to start trusting Him on a deeper more intimate level than I ever have before. I am ready to do whatever it is I need to do to make this dream come true. Even if it means getting on an airplane. Alone. And even if it means going to a conference with hundreds and hundreds of women. Alone. And even if it means it is time to expose my vulnerable and fragile dream for the world to evaluate. I am not really alone. I have the dream-Giver going with me every step of the way.

Circus Circus and the Crucifixion

I'm running this post again this year - because it is Holy Week and this is one of my sweetest memories.

When my two older girls were five and six, we embarked on a family vacation to Disneyland. The distance we had to drive was far and the route indicated that Las Vegas would be a natural stopping place for the night. Having two little girls with us, we made the decision to stop at Circus Circus hoping that little eyes wouldn't be exposed to too many forms of "adult" entertainment. We pulled into the parking lot when suddenly I heard my five year old, Tara, break into sobs in the back seat. "I don't want to go here, I don't want to go here" she emphatically cried. After several minutes of trying to discover what the problem was, Tara told us that she didn't want to go here because as she said, "This is where they hung Jesus on the cross!" My husband and I looked at each other bewildered as to why in the world she would think this. Finally we were able to calm her down and discover the reason for her alarm. We assured her that Jesus was not hung on the cross here, that had happened long ago in a faraway place.
"Tara, honey, why do you think Jesus was killed here?"
"Because, mommy, you said they gambled for his clothes".

Ah...the innocence of a child.

Fabulous!

Whew! It's taken me a few days to recover from our awesome Women's Retreat this last weekend. But it was such a wonderful success and as often is the case, I have been on a mountaintop (literally as well as figuratively!) and I am slowly descending back into reality. We had an inspiring speaker, an incredible hotel to stay at, and wonderful fellowship with each other. Two words I keep hearing over and over again to describe the retreat are "restful" and "peaceful". Our speaker has been a spiritual mentor to me for many years. I always hang on her every word. She always inspires me to be a stronger Christian. She talked to us this year about a word called "truthiness". Pronounced truth-I-ness. The definitition of this word is: things that a person claims to know intuitively or "from the gut" without regard to evidence, logic, intellectual examination, or facts. In other words, it is what we "feel" is truth, regardless of fact. She taught us about what a dangerous state of mind this is and how by making up our own truth without checking it against scripture, we are creating a world of chaos. There is only one truth. His name is Jesus. I don't think we can know this enough.

One fun thing I did at retreat this year was open each session by reading a post from different blogs. I chose some serious ones and some funny ones. I have enjoyed blogging so much and I wanted to expose my ladies to the wonderful world of blogging. It went over really well - and many ladies asked to have copies of what I read and wanted to know more about blogging in general. So I hope to see many of the women that I appreciate begin their own blogs soon!

And my sweet ladies gave me such a wonderful gift. They gave me fabric to make a prayer quilt. I will blog more about that in another post - but I can't tell you how thrilled and touched I was. We serve the most awesome people in our church - we are so very blessed. As I like to say, life in the ministry is a life of privilege.

Potpourri Friday

Another week gone. Another weekend ahead. Yeah!! I have had some good quality time this week with "Bernina" in my sewing room. I am busy making baby quilts - and enjoying every minute of it. The hardest part of quilting to me is picking out the fabric. It makes me break out in a cold sweat when I get to the fabric store and try to pick the right colors, prints, and values that in the end will be a treasured heirloom. Yikes! But I have learned some techniques that have helped in this endeavor. For instance, after you have picked out your fabrics, lay them on the counter, stand back, and squint at them. Squinting at the colors makes the darkness stand out more and you can tell if you need more lights, mediums, or darks. It really works! So I am happy with the two quilts I have started this week - I have finished all the blocks for one of them and am ready to piece them together. The second one is laid out, all ready for my rotary cutter. What fun! And I learned this week also that we have a new quilt shop in town that gives lessons on how to use a long arm quilting machine and then they will rent you the use of the quilter for $20 an hour. I have no idea how long it would take to machine quilt a quilt, so I don't know if this is a bargain or not. But I think it is worth looking into. Which I will do. Next week. I have to learn these things one thing at a time!

The poor maternity sweater that I was knitting for my daughter has been shelved forever temporarily because my goodness, it was just taking too long! I told my daughter it might be ready in time for her 4th pregnancy! I needed to get started on some projects like baby hats and scarves and mittens. Stuff that can be finished quickly and given as gifts for the grandbabies. Honestly, I have knit blankets faster than that sweater was going! I think I bit off a little more than I should have.

I don't know about you but I sure have been blessed and challenged this week reading BooMama's and Rock's in My Dryers posts of their experiences in Uganda. In fact I can't read a single one of their posts without my throat getting all thick feeling and my eyes getting all watery. Several months ago I suggested to my daughter Tara, who has always had a heart of compassion, that perhaps we should someday go to Africa and see what we could do to help the women and children there. She would love to do that. It would be hard for me, as I'm pretty sure I would have to fly to get there. But I would do it. I would. And then this week I was watching the Today show while getting ready for work. Ann Curry was there interviewing a woman in the Congo who had been brutally attacked, watched her parents be murdered, and then was violated horribly by many, many soldiers. She was injured terribly. She became pregnant but because her body had been so ravaged she delivered a stillborn baby girl. She said she wished her baby had lived. And then when Ann Curry asked her what she wanted to do with the rest of her life she simply said, "I want to serve God". I cried. I felt so humbled by her. What a remarkable woman. I stood in my room and asked God, "What can I do to help? As soon as I got to work that morning I was reading some blogs and came across this post from Dawn of Call Me Grandma Dawn. I knew God was answering my question. I am sending some money. It won't be much, how I wish it could be more. But it's something. Then to top it all off, last night, we were watching tv and out of the blue my daughter Jessica said "I want to go to Africa. I want to help the people there". I nearly fell out of my chair. So later in the evening I told my husband about it, certain he would talk sense into me. You know what he said? He said, "I think that would be a great idea". What in the world? Is God speaking? I don't know. But I'm willing to still my heart and find out. Some ideas have been going through my mind. I want to pray about them more before I tell anyone about them. The idea of us going to Africa is impossibly large - I can't even begin to imagine how it would come together. And maybe it's not the going that is what is important - maybe it is something else. But if you have some extra prayer time, and you think of me, I would appreciate you remembering this whole thing. Because I'm sensing a God thing here.

I'm looking forward to a nice long Saturday at home. I love those kind of Saturdays! Sunday is a big celebration day in our church with the service devoted to the Argentina team sharing their experience on the Work and Witness trip they went on. I'm looking forward to hearing it all at one time. I've heard lots of bits and pieces, and of course Jess and Chuck's experiences, but this should be really good.

And it's a three day weekend! We get Monday off next week. It's President's Day you know. That about sends me over the moon for sure!

Happy Weekend!

Potpourri Friday

I hear that this weekend is a big weekend - as in a big football game that's going on. It won't be affecting me though. I don't do pro-football. It kind of feels like a holiday is happening that I won't be a part of. Like I'm a minority. And I'm good with that.

Instead, I will be spending my weekend organizing my crafts and sewing patterns. I am constantly printing patterns off the internet, tearing ideas out of magazines, grabbing free patterns off the tear-off pads in discount hobby stores. And I have a mess. And I can never find the pattern I need when I want it. So I have recycled 5 notebooks and I am organizing all my patterns and ideas in them. If I finish it this weekend, I will post about it next week. I think it's going to be fun. While I was rummaging through all my "stuff", I found some piles of fabric that were the beginning of a quilt top I started several years back. I had used scrap fabric I had on hand and cut out a bunch of squares and triangles and started to sew them together. For some reason, most likely I lost interest, they were delegated to the "to be finished at another time" pile. Except that it had been so many years that I didn't know where the pattern was and I wasn't sure I even liked it anymore, and I couldn't remember what it was supposed to look like. That's what began my going through all my patterns. I decided that I was just going to gather it all up and give it to a lady in my church who loves to quilt. But then I got to playing with the squares and triangles and I began to remember what it was supposed to look like. Then I found the pattern! I got inspired and started joining the triangles into squares and the squares into strips and the strips into a blanket. I'm really liking it. I hope to get a major portion of it finished this weekend as well. I don't like having UFO's around the house. A UFO is an UnFinished Object. I have had a goal this year of finishing up all those UFO's. It's a good feeling - cleaning all those up.

We have been doing the Beth Moore study on Daniel this year at church. This week was amazing. I got a little lost in the video portion of chapter 9. There is lots of prophecy and numbers and signs and dreams and stuff. So I wasn't looking forward to the homework too much. But my goodness - it was amazing. I learned new things and was reminded of others that I have forgotten. Things like:

* We need to understand the times in which we live and we need to know what God wants us to do.

* Prayer is not a passive, nearly "do-nothing" reaction. Nothing shakes the heavenlies like prayer.

*Scripture reading is a way God speaks to us and prayer is the way we speak back.

*Prayer warriors of the Word often coupled their requests with remembrances from scripture like a lawyer cites a precedent before the judge hearing the case.

*None of us are righteous enough to earn the ear of God. He hears and He acts because of His great mercy!

*I will never pray an anonymous prayer.

"God's answer guarentees His action. But maybe not on MY timetable.

That is so much good stuff - I have been trying to process and digest it all week long. I really needed to be reminded of these things - I've been struggling with an issue in my life - and this was all so reassuring to me. I'm so thankful that God speaks to us - we only need to listen.

The first episode of LOST was on last night. Fortunatley, I wasn't looking for any answers to this crazy show! Because all it did was provide a lot more questions! I can't believe how hooked we are on this program. We recorded it on the DVR, all three of us piled into our bed, and watched it without commercials. For those of you who watch it, what was with Charlie - was that real or imagined? How did 6 of the cast-aways get off the island? Why do some want to go back? I hear there are only 7 more shows this season, due to the writers strike. I'm thinking that is not going to be enough.

Oh, and I found the sweetest blog as I was blog surfing this week. It's called Little Cotton Rabbits. Check out this post - it is absolutely adorable! I just can't stop looking at her pictures of thing sweet little things she makes. What a creative talent.

I am so glad it is the weekend. I will enjoy just being in my home, cleaning and cooking, sewing and organizing. I will enjoy going to church Sunday morning and worshipping with my "family". I will enjoy sleeping in a little bit and drinking coffee with my husband and just "laying low". It's much too cold, icy, and windy to do anything else!

Happy Weekend!

Catching Up

My goodness. I didn't mean to take such a long blogging break. It just kind of happened. Sometimes my life just seems to run away from me and I feel like I am chasing after it, arms flailing, hair flying, doing everything I can to keep up with it. And sometimes I feel like I have not caught up at all. With my life that is. And I can see it running off by itself somewhere far ahead of me, making fun of me because I am so slow. It's not such a great feeling. I look around at other people and it doesn't seem to be like this for them. At least, it doesn't look like it from my point of view. People probably don't see it in my life either. We learn to "put on the face" and trudge on don't we?

I have never been one to make New Year's resolutions, I don't believe in setting myself up for failure. But there is something about a new year with blank calendar pages that sounds appealing to me. I truly want to try to change things, slow down, do only what is important, stop pushing myself. I want to stop running after myself. And I am trying to figure out how. So I would covet your prayers about this. I really want to try.

And what helps me is knowing that even though we sometimes say the year 2008 is a blank slate - it's not really. God knows what every day holds for me - He has known this since before I was even born. Wow! Nothing surprises Him. Nothing. I really need to know that.

And I am looking forward to a lot of things about this year:

I am going to meet my first grandchild. Wow - that takes my breath away. I can't wait to snuggle that sweet, warm little bundle!

My husband and I are going to celebrate 30 years of marraige. What a blessing this man is to me - I love him so much it scares me.

I will be turning 50. They say 50 is the new 40. It doesn't really matter to me. I am thankful for 50 years of life. It has been good.

There are lots of books I'm going to read, and crafts I'm going to do! I'm really looking forward to that.

My youngest daughter will be moving out and starting college. I don't know that I'm really looking forward to this - but I am looking forward to watching God work in her life and see her become the woman He plans for her to be.

My family is planning a big trip at the end of the year to celebrate all our milestones together. We will see how this all works out.

So, I'm back. A little tired. A little frazzled. A little unsure of how to proceed. But one thing I know is how much I have appreciated blogging. I love it. And I love reading about how you all handle life's issues. You inspire and help me and I love you for it.

I'm Still Here!

Lest you thought I had done fallen off the face of the earth - I am still here! One of the blessings of coming from, marrying into, and having a large family is you have LOTS of family to see over the holidays! This year was a biggie! We had a great Christmas and now I am tired.

I'm going to spend the next few days recuperating, taking down Christmas, and helping my daughter with a HUGE school project so she and my husband can leave for Argentina on a mission trip for two weeks. I'll tell you all about that later. I'll be reading and commenting on your blogs, but my brain can barely conjure up two sentences that make sense right now.

So until Monday - Blessings to you from me!

A Little Bran Fiber Theology

So after reading and hearing so much about the benefits of adding fiber to your diet, I decided to go on a hunt for bran fiber. The idea is to add a teaspoon or two to your meals as you prepare them. No one knows its there and you instantly become healthier and thinner. Or maybe not so instantly. Whatever.

Anyway, I never realized it was so hard to find just plain bran fiber. I went to several grocery stores to no avail. My last stop was Albertson's. I don't usually shop there so I don't know my way around the store. In the interest of saving time, I tapped on the shoulder of a young shelf stocker and asked him if he knew where I could find the bran fiber.

Young shelf stocker: "Oh sure, I can take you right to it."

Me: "Oh thank you - I'm running short of time and I really hoped to get this today."

Young shelf stocker: Kind of mumbling "You must be another Oprah watcher."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Young shelf stocker: "Oh, I was just thinking that you must be one of those Oprah watchers."

Me: "What makes you think that?"

Young shelf stocker: "Oh everytime Oprah recommends something, the shelves empty like magic. I'm just thinking she must have recommended bran fiber."

And he led me straight to a shelf containing jars of Metamucil!

I didn't want to burst his bubble by telling him that Metamucil was not the bran fiber I was planning to add to my food or that I am not a big Oprah watcher. That I don't even care all that much for Oprah. (Yikes, I hear the sound of internets crashing everywhere around the world with that admission! She's okay - it's just that I don't think she is the end all, if you know what I mean.) But it made me laugh that this young man thought I was an Oprah groupie.

And as I was using the self-pay register to pay for my purchase of Metamucil (I so didn't want to disappoint the young shelf stocker, and you never know when Metamucil might come in handy) it made me think about how much power and influence one person can have. And it made me consider the power and influence I have with people in my little world. My world isn't nearly as big as Oprah's :) but I am an influence, none the less. As we all are. And I began wondering if I use that power and influence in a way that is consistently honoring to God. I know I fall short many times. But I also know I can keep on trying. Because that is what it is all about. And God's mercy fills in the gaps.

And oh yes, I almost forgot. You can find bran fiber in the health food sections of most grocery stores.